I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
