I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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