So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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