Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize