i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
