he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
