he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
