sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize