I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
