yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
