mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
