she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Randomize
