A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
