omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
