How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
