:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
