yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
