I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I am never drinking with the goths again.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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