He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize