I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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