Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
