I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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