Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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