New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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