Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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