I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
