There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
