TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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