Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He passed out mid-signature
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
