EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
