feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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