I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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