i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
it glows. i had to have it.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
