just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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