It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
