I could make wine with my vomit
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
