if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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