I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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