Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
two words: eviction party
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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