You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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