well I can't set my house on fire every night
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
