I look better un-naked...
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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