our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
