Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
