Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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