i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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