you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
