Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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