It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
