Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
