dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
