By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
