I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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