I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
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