Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
