I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
