So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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