I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
